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‘sleep in peace when day is done’ ~ Nina Simone

‘Sometimes, if you stand on the bottom rail of a bridge and lean over to watch the river slipping slowly away beneath you, you will suddenly know everything there is to be known.’ ~ Winnie the Pooh

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Here and After

One of the greatest women I have felt so blessed to know- My beautiful grandmother is on her final part of her journey here and we all just love her so much. She is an artist and her creativity and stlye touched all parts of her life, from her art to her clothing to her family. I hope to be able to find my vision one day like she has done her whole life. I remember a dream  she told me of about her husband and son, whom had passed away. She dreamt they were sailing together, and with such peace and light. They both loved to be on the water. A few days ago I lie crying in bed thinking of our Muzzie, as we call her and I thought of her with Gene, my grandfather, and my uncle, Jeff when she leaves us to be reunited in their love, and wrote this (as if the words of my grandfather). My mom asked me to share so…I love you Muzzie Baby.

____________________

The day so beautiful I wept..
 
We are sailing seamlessly across blue-green brilliance, as if floating over a glass sea. Shapes and shadows appearing and reforming the water- reflections of God’s beauty.
 
I glance behind and the water is white, tumbling against itself and off the outboard motor and back into the great expanse of ocean.
 
This day is magnificent. Cool air rushes past my cheeks, body warming in the sun. The air seems to move in and around me, though not to cool or warm- in a word, pleasant.
 
I feeI I could fly- right into the billowed sails of clouds, all tufted and white. The sky glistening blue and eternal, encompassing more than the day but the feeling when nature is so breathtaking it fills your well. Your heart beats softly in calm motion guiding your breath to slow and deepen, joyous flutters in your stomach. A feeling so piercing  you feel love unworldly, as if everyone you have ever loved and everyone you will is surrounding you -hands upon your heart.
 
So caught up in the moment, it takes me a short while to comprehend the extraneous noise coming from behind. When I step through the arbor of my thoughts into the moment present I turn and stare- there she is.
 
“Hi”, she says with an open smile, in her deep elegant voice- paint brush in hand already talking about beauty and gratefulness and all the colors and, oh how she loves all the beautiful landscapes.
 
With that she walks up beside me as I sit and I place my hand on the back of her knee. I glance up and in one graceful motion she sweeps her paintbrush across the sky. Colors of the heavens drip along the skyline- ceruleans, magentas, ochres- all the colors of the rainbow bursting into fireworks of light. I have never seen such magnificence, but of course she does beauty remarkably well. She laughs at my admiration.
 
Again I am transfixed in a dream of beauty and am startled when I feel his strong hand and loving grip upon my shoulder- I turn and beam. He sweeps her up, gleaming smile and asks her to come sit.
 
He places her gently on the bow and they dangle their feet over the side. Water and air dancing against the soles of their feet. It looks so refreshing.
 
I listen for awhile as they talk- her asking about his days, how proud she is of him. She laughs and he hugs her, placing his arm around her small frame and pulling her in tight. Her first born, her learning curve- thick as thieves, her pride and she his queen.
 
They stay that way for awhile. I turn to look water to sky once more. One arm crossed under my chest and one resting with two fingers alongside my temple. Staring beauty in the eye- it wins every time. It moves my soul and I am on my knees- grateful for its abundance.
 
I walk, lingering- looking through the water until my face, blurry and flat, is staring back. I lift my head and turn towards the Captain’s chair. I start the engine and she appears at my side.
 
She looks a bit taken back. I tell her thank you for loving me all this time, you could have shared your heart but instead you saved it for me once more- and I am humbled.
 
Her eyes soften and grow deep. Admiringly she touches my face and sweetly says, “My darling, take me home.”
 
I am, my love, I already am.

4 o’clock

 

Day one of a fun photo collaboration with my amazingly talented bestie. Every day at 4:00pm we will take a picture of whatever we may be into at that time and then post. Here I am nursing, as usual;)

Dreams to Share

 

I thought about you on our walk today. I could imagine us in the future, laying side by side on the grass, staring into the sky, fingers intertwined, talking about your dreams. Talking about my young dreams, and what became of them. How often I have feared they might never be realized, but know this- often dreams are the making of something much more magnificent. Kind of like you. I could have never have dreamed how truly wonderful you and your brother would be- how you would change me and allow me to feel love so piercing I often catch my breath. I dreamed of having children and I dreamt a thousand other things as well. My dreams were always grand- living every kind of life. Dreams are just that- a beginning- to the thousand different lives we already live deep within us, when we just stop and feel the deep pull of what moves us to the core. Our desires are there, and so often being realized differently than how we imagined. Those  imagined lives may  seem so much more amazing in our dreams,  but if there is no appreciation for what is, the feeling is lost upon some idea of what could have been..instead, love, enjoy life so. When you are in tune with yourself, your dreams are being realized. I get this now, and it may have taking me awhile, but in the process I came to know you, and it settles my soul to know we have so much to share, many conversations and gentle love to grow.

Extra Love

I was pleading with him to get dressed, hurry along-let’s go. She was letting out small cries. Wanting to be held and I would do just that if I could just get him to put his energetic legs through these two simple pant-holes. It seems so simple, a mundane task you might think. In reality it’s like wrestling an alligator. Turns and twists and flailing about. I had gotten one leg through, attempting the other, my back bent over awkwardly willing him to pay attention and just get it over with. His mindful curiosity took over and he leapt out of is pants and onto the bed. I was aggitated and intoned asked him to return and finally put his pants on. He took her hand in his and gave her a kiss then said “she just needed some extra love”. I felt like I had just walked into a stop sign head first. Stop. I could have said in a minute, or I know, but he knew first. I wasn’t really in a rush, just a routine. Although I always run out of time daily, it’s the routine I need to let go of sometimes and create the day- moment to moment- that is where so much inspiration and true heart love is found. The give and take of lesson- it’s what I find family to be most amazing for.

I’m sitting here in the midst of things, trying to embrace connection. There it is in laughter, in ritual. As easy as eggs for breakfast.

I relate.

Then feeling the vastness, the space between- a meadow on a sunny day, possibility growing in veined branches along a damning wall. Are these differences real or am I over-imagining? Are we so alike it’s common or are our differences that grand- a spectrum of light and color. Penetrating.

I feel our depth as I feel our fluidity and I am grasping substance or is substance in this. Fractal as it may be, but a shape of us nonetheless.

Intangible- the feeling, but not the object. This must be love.

I’m laying on the floor, earphones in after walking, attempting crunches, except my feet are propped against the wall. Fresh angles conquering old perspective.

A few moments more.

I’m moving my hand across a sheen of adolescence- lost in rhythm. Back against the ground feeling earthed and vulnerable. A chasm between me then, me now. Am I really so different? A masked adorned maybe…playing the part I dressed. Underneath I am so much the very same. Wondering why I cling to change when I fear it, like a storm-beautiful and overpowering. Maybe defining the change taking place upon my supple heart.

I’m a girl lost in sound. Beats hitting my eardrums, louder than it should. In the chorus, in the softness, I hear him laugh and her coo and I am a mother. The drum hits and I am a girl, on the floor daydreaming about when I’m a wife…when I’m a mother.

I smile and a tear hits my cheek unexpectedly but real, burning an impression-another layer to my tender soul.

I pull the earphones away and I am plunged back-an electric shock, followed by steady beats, not from music, but from the heart. Bom, bom, bom… until the sound fades softly away into the background as my hearing adjusts-plunged straight back into the other side of what it means to live, to have life. Inhale of air, to function, exhale of air, to be living.

I needed to get away. An hour today. Here and now. Here and then. Parallels, fighting for presence. Giving one over to the other. I realize in stolen moments how to balance, create, love, give back and internalize. Somtimes acknowledging a better half of me, the dreamer.  

Differences that shake me. Question my understanding. As constant as the sun and deep as the night sky and through and through abundance and suffering. An assertive hand pointing to the sky, question laden, eye on the answer. I am whole, and so this is the dynamic. Young race towards the living then, the old plead us, live now. It goes fast.

I catch a glimpse in the peripheral. Flashing now and then. Or maybe then..as time is already steps ahead. I’m holding onto this very moment as I  write, as i relate. The only way I know how. Right here. Right now.